Geas

Browsing boredly through the net and finding this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative??

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?

Oh man... I know someone that did this to themselves...

And by the way, Tasers are nifty little things. I carry one in my purse.

jeez srsly? right next to your pepper spray? do u live in a bad area?

Tasers are for wimps. Real fighters use their teeth. --chomp chomp--

I carry pepper-spray at all times, as I live in a very rough area (two dead bodies were found in the park across the street, and a man was shot dead a few blocks north about two weeks ago). I am a slight, very small fellow with a mass of long, curly hair and am often mistaken as a woman from the distance, especially with a formless coat on cold days, which is not the best thing in such a neighborhood!

I'd love to carry a taser, but I'm poor and fairly certain they are illegal to own as a civilian here.

edit: I'm not in severe danger! All of the people who get killed around here are black, which is something I fortunately do not have to deal with.

I dont live in a bad area persay, but I am trained in how to use it, and perfer it over pepper spray, since if you use pepper spray, chances are you are likely to get as much backspray into your own eyes as into theirs.

They are nifty things though. And it is better safe than sorry!

ah so it's the old "id rather have one and not need it, than need it and not have one". applies to a grat many things i find *wink*

I just carry a gun instead.

Well, Im still waiting to get my concealed carry permit. Then I will

lol americans are all scary *hides in canada*

*moves to Canada*

Oh we are not scary!

Yes....We are.

Shhh! Ada dont tell them that!!!

A city block nearby was barricaded just recently, with police cars preventing traffic and even pedestrians not allowed to pass through. It turned out that an off-duty police officer, heading into the laundromat, happened to see some thugs beating on a man in the alley. He tries to intervene, and one of the thugs pulls a gun, firing at the officer. He was not hurt, and drew his own weapon, shooting two of the thugs before the police arrived.

Shangri-La's finest does the job again =P